Our letter this week comes from Danni, who wrote to me asking what she should do about her new guy. She hasn't heard from him in 3 days and doesn't know what to do.
Here's what she said:
Hi Jane,
We were good, and then I noticed him not saying I miss you suddenly, and now its been three days since I've heard from him.
What do I do?
Do I test his love and not reach out to him and risk losing him forever?
Help!
- Danni
My Response:
Oh Danni, you can't lose someone who doesn't want to be lost. If you can lose him by not reaching out, what happened to him? Why is this all on you to reach out to him when he can just as easily reach out to you?
It's because we're afraid if we don't reach out, he won't.
But the truth is, it's not this cut and dry.
Reach out to him with one single check in to make sure he's alive and well. This is just a quick text or call or message through whatever means you're used to.
That's all this is. Short, to the point.
Nothing long or drawn out or dramatic here, just a "Hey, I hadn't heard from you in a few days and just want to make sure everything's okay."
There's nothing heavy here and if he's a decent guy he's going to respond back to you with something equally as light and casual that will speak volumes about where he's at and what happened.
As in, if it's just a "Yeah, I'm ok, just been busy", that tells you to let any further contact come from him and assume he's moved on or he's off to something or somewhere else. Don't get hung up on that kind of a response or rather, non-response - just accept that there's nothing more here he's leaving open to do or say on your part based on what he's come back with, and let it go.
He hasn't left any door open here except to acknowledge he's still alive.
If you get a non-response like this, or no response at all, drop it. Don't send him anything else.
Just say "Next!"
If he responds with any kind of conversation opener as in, "Hey, been really busy, sorry, what are you up to?" or something along those lines, match his level of conversation. Sure you can tell him everything you're feeling, but it's not going to get you very far so don't waste your time or energy.
Just mirror his level of response and you'll know soon enough if he's going to go any further than here.
Bottom line is you don't know this guy well enough yet to know if you've just missed out on the best thing ever or if you've dodged a bullet. Don't waste your time trying to figure out which one you've got.
If he's gone, be glad you found out early before you invested more of yourself and choose to see it as a gift. If he's just pausing or stalled, accept that this is where he's at. If anything changes, you'll be the first to know.
This isn't on you so don't take it personally, Danni. You only want someone who's truly compatible with you and that means someone who's still reaching out to you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous - what do you think beautiful Danni should do in this situation? Tell her in the comments below!
